Stories of the impact of God’s love—up close and personal—remind us of His faithfulness and grace, and the value He places on each and every one of us simply because we are His. We share this story to remind us all that we are not invisible to the one that created us, who “knit us in our mother’s womb” and “knows every hair on our head.” Praise be to God!
I´ve never felt really loved by a guy. Many times I felt like I was in love with someone, but today I am not sure if that was really love. I´ve never had the chance to live a real, deep and constant love. For many years I´ve placed my eyes on the wrong guys. I´m quite used to always being “the friend”, used to hiding my pain and tears every time he tells me that he is in love with someone else, just wishing to be in my room alone to cry.
My biggest desire in life is to get married and be a mom. So for years the fact of not having the chance to love has hurt a lot. I know I have so much in my heart to give, and God knows it. Sometimes I get frustrated because I want to give all this love to someone who is really worth it and be loved in return. I haven´t had the real opportunity to live this… so I´ve thought: Is this really going to happen to me? Many hurtful thoughts had taken place in my life. I came to believe no guy would really ever love me. I usually thought: Is it possible that a man really loves me for the rest of my life? Me? I´ve felt so invisible. Not worthy. It killed me being surrounded by couples. Seeing how for them it was possible, but for me no. Thinking: God, am I ever going to be a wife and a mother? Feelings like this were normal. I got used to being sad about this.
This year God made me a promise about being a wife and a mother. And I know it’s real. But it still hurts. Waiting hurts. I know this has a purpose. He is working in me and my husband, so by the time we are together it will be amazing, much greater than I ever imagined.
But in the mean time, the hurtful thoughts kept telling me “how invisible I am.” So, all this time I said to the Lord: God I feel invisible. I feel that my friends don´t care about me, and still no special guy. I knew I had my family, but still felt lonely. Only God knew exactly how I was feeling.
I have no words to describe how God changed my life at the retreat we had on April 2012. That weekend was more than incredible. At the beginning I still felt invisible to people. But that changed Saturday night. Mark Fee talked about how to feel Jesus´ love through touch. Feeling him by being hugged by someone, for example. At the end he invited everybody who wanted to feel Jesus´ love to go to the front. I went. I was waiting for someone to come and pray for me. Mark was the one who did it. He hugged me and started praying, he said something at the beginning that I don´t remember, but then with all authority he claimed: “YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE TO ME! I am so sorry for your wounds. For all the people who rejected you instead of loving you. You are my princess. I love you. You have stolen my heart.” I cried like never before. I was completely broken.
In my computer I have the picture of Jesus hugging a little girl. That´s how I like to see myself, as His little daughter hugged by Him. Many times I´ve tried to imagine and feel that hug, but it has been very difficult. Before the retreat, I felt that the word of God was not directly for me. I knew with my head that He loved me, but not with my heart.
So, after Mark was used by God to tell me all those amazing things, a lady came to my side and hugged me. We hugged so strong, that after a few minutes I stopped feeling her and for the first time I felt that hug from Jesus. Jesus told me through her: “You need to heal those wounds to be seen. You have a beautiful heart. I love you.” Then my pastor came and said: “Be patient. Men fail. God knows what you´ve been through. You are very brave. But you don’t feel brave.”
I sat down, still crying, broken and overwhelmed. My sister sat by my side. And a friend came and said: “You have no idea how proud I am for being a friend of women who belong to God. You got no idea the man that God has for you, he is going to be amazing.” And she had no idea that my brokenness was exactly for what she was saying: believing and waiting for that amazing guy.
On Sunday morning I felt for the first time in many months, or years, seen. Felt lighter, with an incredible joy. Felt that all the hurtful thoughts were destroyed. At the end of the retreat, we had a moment to share our testimonies. I gave mine. When I sat down a friend came to me, gave me a piece of paper and said, “This is the first page of my Bible, I drew this a long time ago, and I feel from God that I need to give it to you.” It was the drawing of Jesus hugging a little girl.
I will never forget that weekend. I am so grateful for the people that God uses to talk to us and letting us know how he loves us.